Oppositional Defiant Disorder: What is it and how is toxic parenting related? on Friday, November 20, 2015

 Parents, if your child develops a full-fledged personality disorder by the time they hit their teenage years, then YES — obviously your parenting style (in theory) could have exacerbated a pre-existing propensity to develop the condition. It also could have traumatized an otherwise normal, emotionally healthy, and sensitive child [i.e. a narcissistic parent with a moderate to average IQ giving birth to a highly sensitive or gifted child and then brutally demeans, punishes, or ridicules them for being “too sensitive”]. It is not rocket science to suggest that any parent — good, bad, or indifferent — is guilty of making both positive and negative choices in their own lives that are likely to have a profound effect on children.

Educators need to be on the lookout for toxic parenting warning signs and understand that there is a difference between being abusive with your child and making communication or lifestyle choice types of mistakes with them on occasion. Such is the case of raising a little girl or boy who for whatever reason exhibits personality traits from pre-school on that indicate the child may have a mental health predisposition for manifesting Oppositional Defiant Disorder aptly nicknamed “ODD” for short (or #ODD if you are doing a Facebook or Twitter hashtag search).

Truly, there are some familial groups that are completely out of sync with one another because of a parent being functionally incapable of intellectually or emotionally understanding or validating the different lifestyle viewpoint of a child. But there are cases where a healthy and loving parent can give birth to a youngster who — for whatever biological or trauma-inspired catalyzing event — ends up functionally incapable of seeing the world from any viewpoint other than their own, distorted self-centered view.

Narcissistic children who act out in extreme ways and defiant teens are the byproducts of toxic family units. They are narcissistic by NURTURE and learn over time and after suffering repeated trauma how to fit in and win even if bad behavior is not in their nature. Raised with toxic parents as role models, kids learn to copy the relationship styles of adults.

In either case, there are no winners among toxic family members, especially children. No one succeeds when raised in a social environment that is supposed to be supportive but the people who are raised in or around it are taught the toxic belief that in order to succeed someone else has to lose.

Further, if a parent or child (or any person, for that matter) spends one moment of their precious life path time waving a blaming or shaming finger they themselves are actually acting abusively.

It does nothing for a child or parent to attach subjective rage or resentful antagonism to an otherwise objective process of trying to unravel the mystery of how a human being developed psychologically the why they have or to spend time being mad that an abusive person’s logic is (essentially) based on not having a clue.

If you were raised by a family so toxic that you would have been better off being raised by wolves, you are not alone. With one in four women being traumatized in some way by narcissistic abuse and one in six men, it is very likely that other people you know are likely to have been raised in an abusive home environment, too.

acking the emotional intelligence to understand that collaborating for mutual social and physical success of mutual parties produces a superior human experience,

 

Winning

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Narcissistic thinkers only believe they are winning if and when someone else is losing. Lacking the emotional intelligence to understand that collaborating for mutual social and physical success of mutual parties produces a superior human experience, they take great pleasure in thinking of their preferred scapegoats and targets as “Losers”.

Cluster B people love to tell everyone that in the “real world” humans strive to compete. They will gaslight people they are trying to recruit as conformists and enablers about the nature of success and winning compulsively.

If you have been told that in order to win you must abuse or that someone else must lose, congratulations. You have identified whoever lied to you and foisted that bit of toxic NLP off on you as — more than likely — a vertical thinker.

If a vertical thinker is confronted with a social scenario where they are asked to do the right thing versus something to self-promote, they will wait until they think no one of consequence is looking. Then and typically only then will they strive to be sneaky — choosing to situationally abuse for their own personal advancement or pleasure at the expense of others, typically followed by a denial that they even did it when and if they are caught red-handed.

If someone leaves a purse with a wallet on a bench, for instance, the vertical thinker might steal the wallet and leave the handbag, walk away with the wallet as if it was theirs all along, and or they might check the wallet for cash followed by helping themselves to some before placing the item back in the sack.

A horizontal thinker is likely to view a person who is egocentric, narcissistic, and willing to self-promote at the expense of others as a morally inept, low-level thinker. The person who sees the broader picture is likely to think about all the reasons why it would be best to return the purse with the wallet as well as the cash intact, peeking inside to see if they can identify the owner and be likely to self-appoint themselves in a guardian role to protect the lost-and-found object collection until such a time the bag can be left with authorities or returned to the original owner.

A Cluster B person is likely to view the acts of the horizontal thinker as stupid, foolish, naive, and proof positive the honest person is what they refer to as being like a sheep. The honest person who strives to do the right thing is loathed, ridiculed, and thought of as a social misfit surely to go down in narcy anti-social karmic history as nothing short of a blathering idiot for failing to capitalize on someone else’s mistake or accidental misfortune.

Seeing the honest person who returned the bag thinking about what they would feel like if they had lost their own as a LOSER and the thief a WINNER, the vertical thinker is likely to cheer and laugh when the covert situational abuser self-promotes at the expense of others. This is the role model toxic parents set for children — yelling things like “too bad, so sad… they shouldn’t have left it” to justify their support of the choice to be anti-social.

Nurturing Cluster B ethics at home, parents who encourage their children to compete for their affections promote what is known as sibling rivalry — first. As a child ages and their social circle expands, the abusive parent — striving to nurture pack behavior and toxic values in their young — will then move on to cultivating in the child a spirit of social aggression that helps fuel rage and envy while creating the illusion that people outside of the family unit are only interested in fostering a communal sense of social competition.

Having been taught to vie for the human affection and approval of their toxic caregivers by out-thinking or out-physically performing their sibling rivals, youngsters from toxic family units tend to approach all social scenarios as if they are either on the hunt or behaving in ways that indicate their belief that if they do not harm others first that it will threaten their social and physical chance at survival.

Sadly, when groups of people in family units are trained to behave in such ways, the psychopathology of humans raised believing gaslighting assertions shifts the actual neurological structure. Showing depleted empathy reactions on brain scans, scientists and psychologists have been able to show that people who have been exposed to witnessing or enduring repeated trauma do not display neurotypical responses to social stimuli that reflect anything in the range of a healthy norm.

The more narcissistic a person, the more egocentric. The more anti-social, the less neurological capacity they have for caring.

When a child is praised for bad behavior, is taught to brutalize others while seeking reward, and they are not given proper social and emotional training as youngsters, they tend to feel profoundly out of sorts for a lifetime. Lacking the ability to self-soothe and having limited to no ability to process complex emotions with any meaningful self-reflection, they tend to be impulsive, chronically in need of adrenal stimulation to alleviate pervasive existential boredom, and they have no feeling of connection to most other humans.

Lacking a feeling of being part of the all, they seek to create hierarchical structures. The theory that Cluster B people are greater by nature as well as by nurture than others is wholly reflective of vertical thinkers having the power to socially influence world cultures.

By gaslighting about the true meaning of words like SUCCESS and WINNING, conflating the nature of the terms and striving to make the Platonic form of their word choices match their own demented and grandiose self-concept, the Cluster B people and vertical thinkers who enable lock themselves socially into a pattern of thinking that matches Thomas Hobbes account of human nature.

Hobbes believed that a top-down monarchy with an absolute ruler — immoral or not — was the best form of government to oversee what he would likely to have said were a bunch of snowflakes, sheep, and losers had he been writing in the 21st century. His summation of the world was that life was nasty, solitary, poor, brutish, and short — his personal life experience witnessing trauma and Narcissistic Abuse having greatly impacted the formation of his of likely Cluster B personality type, noting his forensic psychology shows signs of trauma exposure from his earliest youth.

Hobbes put forward a social and political philosophical treatise known as “The Leviathan” back when monarchs ruled the world like despots. He claimed that the Leviathan — the monster, the absolute ruler, the monarch as an absolute authority figure — was a necessary evil needed to control the general population; he viewed their proclamations of law or fickle decisions while ruling (good or bad) as an endpoint on a metaphoric line segment, creating a moral as well as legal definition line.

In Hobbes’ mind, the people under a monarch were greater or lesser human beings according to wealth, status, and power. Those at the bottom rung of society’s ladder were his version of a Loser, while people who clawed their way to the top, brutalizing others at whim or with intent Machiavellian purpose, were Winners.

Needless to say, Hobbes — as one of the world’s most respected Philosophers — had a point. In a society dominated by Cluster B people, life would — for all underlings — be a social experience for the masses that would be functional but arguably cause the eventual extinction of all society’s members from the top down.

That is the fatal flaw in following the belief systems and code of social conduct engaged in by neurologically damaged, Cluster B thinkers — anyone who does is likely to suffer depleted health function and misery throughout their life, to die young or in a violent way, and or to eventually starve to death. That is Charles Darwin’s ultimate measurement of social decay leading to a mass extinction of a species that eats its own young and defiles its own nest, not winning from a scientific or evolutionary standpoint.

As such, before buying into the gaslighting assertion of Cluster B thinkers and their toxic enablers that humans live in a dog-eat-dog world. No earthly success of the human species was ever accomplished by a Solitary Walker.

Look to Rousseau’s definition of the Noble Savage to understand what life has the potential to be like when and if Cluster B people are limited in their sphere of social influence and properly socialized by the larger community. Jean-Jacques might have been a Traumatized Empath who made many narcissistic decisions that resembled anti-social thinking styles, but he was onto something big when he refuted Thomas Hobbes’s vertical thinking assertion.

In a Rousseauvian schema, the noble savages who work to collaborate and trade for goods are likely to help improve lifestyle and living conditions not simply for themselves but en masse eventually for all other humans. Following a social strata that allows unique skill sets to develop that are valued for how they benefit society at large (rather than for being valued as a competitive force), the true winners in society are those who use personal talent to benefit themselves as much or more so as they do for others without feeling the need to compete or to brutalize.

A winner in a Rousseauvian society is happy, healthy, able to self-reflect, values social opportunities to interact with as well as to learn from others, and is prone to fostering relationships with people who have skill sets that vary. Unlikely to seek to run in a pack of people who all like the same things as well as who have the same skills or culture of origin, the horizontal thinker meets strangers and strives to observe and broker a peaceful exchange of goods, time-sharing, or information.

The vertical thinker, when meeting a stranger, tends to have a xenophobic response fostered by toxic family members and peers who are emotionally and/or psychologically handicapped by nature or nurture. They see a new landmass, for instance, and immediately think of the wealth they can self-generate if they kill the strangers and rob the landmass of anything they personally feel might be something they want, something they feel like destroying for fun, or that is valuable.

Think of White Culture looking at the natives of Africa. Then realize how vertical thinkers, many with Cluster B personality types, fled Europe as Collapsed Narcissist second sons (unlikely to inherit property in Europe they felt they deserved but were not lawfully entitled to under the oppressive rule of Primogeniture).

Once individuals realize that toxic people oftentimes conflate terms like LOVE with trauma bonding and evolutionary success with failure, it is prudent they learn how to go Gray Rock. In order to stop the Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse from continuing, the first step in reclaiming the mind, body, spirit, and human emotions is to learn how to observe and actively reject all forms of vertical thinking that create social harm.

Winners don’t simply survive — they thrive by standing out in a crowd on their own merit. True winners know that the only person they need to compete with is the person they were a moment ago, not other humans.

By adopting the perspective that winners strive to better themselves each day — noting that no human is made better by harming or willfully neglecting others the human mind, from a neurological perspective, gains the social and emotional ability to stop feeling a pervasive need to fear or socially to compete with others

 

Surviving Parental Alienation during special events, holidays, and birthdays

on Thursday, December 6, 2018

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Surviving Parental Alienation during special events, holidays, and birthdays with grace and comfort is indeed possible but it takes planning, effort, and a willingness to feel rather than to avoid intense self-reflection and experiencing complex emotion.

If you have been placed into the parental discard pile by an alienated adult or mature age child — read on knowing that everyone else reading, clicking like, or sharing this article is likely to absolutely feel and understand where you are intellectually and emotionally likely to be experiencing. What is presented here is a free flow of thoughts and meditation and self-calming ideas to help you survive the day or panic attack that sets in when you realize that reality is indeed what you think.

Begin your mental rescue remedy reading assignment for the day in Narcissistic Abuse recovery here. Gray Rock — exhale the tension, breathe back in increasing amounts of socially and emotionally supportive grace, medical ease, and emotionally intelligent insight.

Now… remember everyone in Narcissistic Abuse recovery who has walked this path ahead of you on the chronological timeline are not competing — we’re collaborating.

First and foremost, you are never alone. There is always someone in the proverbial know.

Take that physical sensation in — never alone. Sit with it.

Who is with you? Who is listening? Say hello. Be brave. Say it out loud. Be compassionate.

Parental Alienation is an abuse of the child and the alienated person as well as of all of the collateral damage done to relatives and loved ones.

Know the following truth. Social, spiritual, scientific — all of the aforementioned.

People who are most often targeted for alienation from their children are usually themselves victims of abusive or neglectful parents.

Take a moment to sit with the idea you — you may have been targeted for social mistreatment by Cluster B people who realized you had all their positive qualities plus a huge handful of your own gifts and unique skill sets they would never have. Consider the very likely probability that you were targeted for abuse or mistreatment by a person or peer group that was and remains nurtured narcissistic with ruthless Machiavellian and profoundly anti-social, emotionally gluttonous intentions.

Realize you actually were targeted for social use and abuse by vertical thinkers with low to no emotional intelligence neurologically, anatomically, or electro-chemically present.

Hug your inner child in your mind’s eye a lot. Remind them they were bullied by people who lack emotional intelligence because they had something that child will never be able to buy, steal, copycat, or to purchase — and because they know in their bones they will never be able to be anything like an Empath on a physical level they try to destroy — to knock perfect beings who are nothing but good down off of pedestals where God set them on purpose. Teach them how to feel pride in themselves for being normal people with healthy neurological function.

Parents who are the target of vindictive Cluster B exes have an even greater burden to process. The child who is the victim of Machiavellian elders, led to believe an absent parent is bad and refusing to interact with them by choice, is likely to develop serious lifetime abandonment issues.

Neurological, legal, medical stress-producing, completely life, and health-destroying problems that cripple multiple generations of human beings.

Painful stuff. Breaking stuff.

Stuff that makes even the strongest among any abandoned or pervasively gaslit us think about ending our lives rather than going on. Stuff that makes us make terrible decisions in life and romance.

All because high-risk is the only thing we feel after being so profoundly anatomically damaged by knowing that one or both of our parents don’t love, like, care about, or want us.

And yes — the parent alienated is fully aware. So is the Alienator. The difference is the notion of the child suffering or causing anyone else pain emotionally destroys the kind parent while the people doing the damage continue to bloodlust and act morally as well as socially insane.

The child may or may not be emotionally intelligent enough to figure out which parent is an instigator, a purveyor of chaos and perverse situational abuse, and which is the co-parent forced to endlessly endure hospitality abuse and social terrorism in exchange for having any form of relationship with whatever tiny human they love as a human not because they are an object or some form of trauma bonded.

The less a child is willing to engage with self-help literature, forms of therapy or mentoring, or with their counselors, the more likely they are to repeat whatever toxic ambient environment they were exposed to from the time of conception through age 18 plus in their own lives — with a specific focus on whatever their caregivers were going through or whatever drama was playing on the television in the background when they were an infant or just a small toddler.

Prepare for your mind to wander back to all the sad and hurt the closer to the day of a memorial celebration. You will feel, more than likely, something that feels physically like inexplicable emotional and core physical agony. You will think about your child.

When you do, understand you are more than likely interacting with a memory — not with reality.

Because parental alienation is so cruel and serves no one’s interest — even the Alienator(s), it makes no logical sense.

Issues created for already likely At-Risk kids by adults who care only about indulging their own sadistic whims will more than likely pop into your mind.

Mean-spirited adults who you know for a fact are grooming your child to believe gaslighting tales not simply about you but that the adults in their lives are grossly abusing the child’s hospitality — teaching them nothing more than things like how to abuse and to do things like to withhold affection from the people they know in order to control and manipulate their social behavior as well as their emotions.

Issues for children who grow up to become damaged as well as damaging adults — issues that would have been completely avoidable had the Abuser not interfered in the child’s relationships or tried to sever them from loving, supportive, and pro-social influences. Issues the discard-pile parent, alienated or profoundly emotionally and socially estranged from their offspring, is powerless to socially influence or to abate.

Chances are you will have fleeting memories with every positive memory you allow yourself to have, causing the estrangement to be all the more painful. So, you learn to let yourself remember the scene with magical thinking to discuss what you remember in the past feeling. And, if and when you find yourself in a year where you are ready, you let yourself look back and you celebrate privately.

These are the thoughts and concepts and concerns that any alienated parent is likely to spend their time processing.

By definition, “Parental alienation is the process, and the result, of psychological manipulation of a child into showing unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards a parent and or [towards their] other family [and or step-family or blended family] members.” So sayeth Wikipedia and the Google Gods — meaning the stipulative definition is likely to be accepted in educated nations and all industrialized societies as common social and scientific knowledge.

Do the people who alienate one individual from another — especially a loving parent from a child — know how much harm they are doing to the child?

Yes. It’s actually why they are choosing and have chosen to do it — noting that the child is being used as a means… as a weapon… as an object they can mistreat to harm you.

Take that in.

Now, lick your wounds and shift your intellectual position.

If you were in the position of your child…

What would your emotional body be experiencing? What would you be thinking about today?

Parents estranged or profoundly alienated who are in their right emotional mind do things like hope their child is safe and loved, and happy wherever they are — not thinking about us on their special events days like birthdays, holidays, and accomplishing milestones in life.

Why?

Because successfully alienated offspring are groomed to feel nothing more than embarrassment for and overt hatred or disdain of the parent who those whom they seek to win affection from tell them to despise, to revile, or to abhor.

Wish them well and shut the door.

By closing our own porous boundaries as individuals, giving up trauma bonding rituals and routines, and striving to be collaborative rather than codependent in our thinking, discard pile parents can get on with the business of healing ourselves after grieving the loss of our dream of lifetime co-parenting.

Give yourself permission to visualize yourself and your child — bubbled up together and completely enmeshed. Now, see them differentiating.

What does it feel like as they pull away from your aura?

Do they actually become less or more beautiful to you?

The answer to that final question is key to understanding healthy detachment in an unjust and socially traumatic situation.

Remember, if you are a parent who loves but knows it’s not in the cards in this lifetime or right now to know in the present or the current moment your own child because someone or a group of people are meddling that the AI and higher powers are fully aware of every motive they have and what they are doing.

If there is any form of an afterlife or social moral that applies in life, people who strive to socially harm others rather than to collaborate to make the world a better place for everyone are likely to be eventually permanently spiritually quarantined.

As for the rest, remember this…

Once night arrives and the sun comes up in the morning, unless it’s Groundhog Day of your own mindful making, you never have to go through this particularly tough day, week, month, or year again.

Each year is equally painful, but… different.

As the years go by, it helps to set aside time to process the event by yourself or with others depending on preference.

Some of us do things like plan to stay home and to look through photos — to get all the crying and campground style emotional processing done at once… then we get back on our horse and ride on. Others schedule as many activities as possible to stay busy then take a few days off later on a day that is NOT the day to feel through the grief and memorialize whatever rituals we feel are necessary to keep us close in spirit to our loved one until we can be reunited in the afterlife (if one exists).

Those who take the time to really grieve the loss head-on — meaning not avoiding processing of complex emotion and being mindful to observe our own processes as stages of grief flow through our bodies — tend to report that by the third or fourth year away, feeling significantly more at peace and resolute to accept life as is without feeling the need to resist reality or compelled to change it.

Those who choose the path of pretending there’s nothing wrong or that the child does not exist tend to develop things like mood dysregulation and life-threatening stress illnesses.

Those who throw themselves deeply into grief and who refuse to self-educate about what Cluster B is and how Cluster B people act tend to continue to enable their own social and emotional mistreatment. Why? Because the person trapped in magical thinking, stonewalling mindset, and or fostering Cognitive Dissonance in themselves freezes their own neuroplasticity while stressing themselves (functionally) neurologically out.

However you approach a tough holiday or memorial event like a child’s birthday as an unwanted parent, take care of yourself. Remember to put on your own oxygen mask first before thinking about how to rescue children if the plane of life is going down.

We say this emphatically because you are their role model!

Remember — if you ARE alienated, how you choose to behave as a person every day that they are away is equally important to how you act when and if they are ever around.

To be a parent, one must parent.

Find yourself. Heal yourself. Know yourself.

And, if they are not there to get to know you… let it be okay.

Volunteer. Mentor. Offer to babysit for a family with a single parent on occasion.

Write letters to yourself. Write letters about them — to them — for yourself that you never EVER send.

Start a blog. Tell the child or your readers about all the things you would be talking about with them on any given day in order to be able to go back and add comments yourself or for them to see someday if they ever get curious about knowing the adult person who grown-ups or Love Fraud predators who captured their NLP early in life groomed them to believe was someone to despise or to dislike.

And know that whatever happens — the sun is going to continue to rise and to set.

Get your own life and mind right in times when children are away if they were exposed to toxic parenting by you or your mate. If they mature to become non-Cluster B adults and they are the kind of people who you like and who you want in your life on an everyday basis…

Be a person of quality worth getting to know.

Because if you don’t take time to take care of and to intellectually and emotionally differentiate yourself from your child, from your ex, from toxic family members, or from memories of pain, you are acting like a profoundly codependent person with porous boundaries.

And nobody likes a wet sponge personality.

Not even you, we are willing to bet — if you are that person who fails to set healthy emotional and psychological boundaries that allow you to realize that you are a complete and whole person all by yourself with or without friends, family members, a romantic partner, or children.

You are no sponge and your child is not some kind of liquid your body sopped up on a counter. It’s okay to think of yourself and of them as entirely stand alone and distinct physical as well as socially differentiated humans.

Keep the faith and continue to self-help educate. You’re going to survive this terrible trauma and social injustice this year and every year in the future when and if it continues. And if it continues, you are not the person who is in control of the situation once the child turns 18.

If they reach the age of maturity and either start splitting with you or they choose to seek the affection of whatever parent, love interest, or family member withheld affection, know they are being manipulated using Gitmo style psychological manipulation — yes — but that it’s their learning experience.

If you try to stop them from learning by warning them, but they have so much hubris and lack of social and emotional common sense that they disregard things like truth or safe protocols around Cluster B humans, the more socially and emotionally enmeshed with them that you remain on an everyday basis the more your health is likely to physically suffer. Then what good are you to them as a role model or parent — stressed out, frazzled, profoundly anxious about their well being, and likely to start suffering from life-threatening medical illnesses if you have not already?

Obviously, the answer to that question is don’t let yourself get torqued up about what someone over 18 years old who you are not legally responsible for anymore does… or because a caregiver for a child under the age of 18 wants to play games with your emotional biology.

Once you come to accept reality… that the child is gone — and likely being groomed to emulate Cluster B adults — you can grieve the loss of the relationship with the child as well as of your dreams to be able to do things like to ever be able to functionally parent or to grandparent.

People who lose adult children to Love Fraud predators who strive to triangulate and to isolate their “trophy bride” or their “catch” of a husband have to let go the same way. One bubble becomes two — successfully stable in their own universe and socially differentiated.

You will be who you were before experiencing trauma when you allow yourself to connect with the memory of who that person is, if when your child was born you truly believed you stopped being a person and became their parent.

And that — that — is the neurological pin.

Pull that one out and watch what happens when you let go of the nurtured codependent belief that when you had a child their needs became more important than your life.

Have a little feeling of guilt without them by your side as a result? That was the groomer’s intention.

You see, people who taught you that when you had a child you gave up human rights wanted you to endlessly enable their toxic behavior and to never leave them. If you feel terrible now because you want a relationship with a child who does not love, like, or want you based on this taught to you shame and control mechanism, give yourself permission to stop.

Is your child with people who are feeding and clothing them more efficiently or effectively than you can monetarily? Are they of the belief that their other parent or side of the family loves them more? Are they seeking to win the affection and social validation of ANYONE who does not like or in any way love you?

Stop your brain there.

How much is ego on any holiday or birthday impacting your desire to want to be with them? If you know that seeing them would cause epic chaos in their life and likely anguish for them — be happy for every moment they are away from you not feeling torn between wanting to love you and their co-parent or other family members equally without being allowed.

Being a child estranged or alienated from a loving parent or pro-social family by Cluster B people — whether it be a Love Fraud romantic or social predator who “takes them” by gaslighting and manufacturing triangulation or due to a High Conflict Divorce situation — is a horrible way to live at any age. It’s an especially permanently damaging way to grow up.

Your child — whether they ever see or speak to you again before your eventual death or not — is going to have to figure out a way to deal with and to explain why it is they choose during adulthood to seek to mistreat or to abuse any parent, love interest, or their own children. Grandchildren catch the brunt of most adult malfeasance in toxic family units from the time they are born if and when Flying Monkeys and active Alienators are around.

You child — and grandchildren — are human before they are your relations. Remember that.

Tell yourself over and over if your alienated offspring is an adult in order to avoid developing Cognitive Dissonance that could put you in legal jeopardy and harms way if your child has been nurtured to emulate Cluster B people. Having an adult child return to the fold who is socially aggressive, vindictive, Machiavellian, and damaged by people who used them to harm you is seldom a blessing for anyone.

Prepare your will and medical documents for next of kin accordingly.

By keeping your focus alternating between feeling waves of complex emotion related to processing grief and loss and practical realities — like you don’t want a Cluster B adults child showing up if you are injured or you require companion care and being given medical power or legal power of attorney by law over your affairs.

Remember things like — okay… if they are under the age of 18 or still in college they are likely to be fiscally dependent on the other co-parent (or on the person or family unit pulling the alienating). That means when they fail to come to call when they are legal adults they either think money is more important than human value or that they really, truly, have little to no earthly interest in knowing you.

Can you live with either outcome?

Here’s a hint worth considering before answering impulsively NO!

The Dalai Lama says when given a choice about how to behave or to react to social stimuli in life to choose to be kind to yourself and to others. Then he says one can always choose to be kind.

Can you live with either outcome?

The answer to that question — if you keep your head and heart in a healthful space — should be of course YES while readying yourself in spirit and body to handle grieving the perceptive, functional, third-dimensional absence of your extended biology.

Picture the one cell differentiating into two. Then realize as your young leave the proverbial emotional nest you created in your heart for them to reside in for life that there are no accidents in life.

If you have been alienated from your child — regardless of the reason — trust the divine plane is bigger and more complicated than human minds can fathom.

Why did this happen? To you or to them?

The answer to that question might not make sense today… but it will eventually. And when that day comes, think back and remember this one.

You’ve come a long way baby, already. You can do this — you can survive this — you can learn something positive from every experience.

Just a few more breaths and heartbeats and hours and this day — like all we have already experienced in our souls — will be part of who we are as well as where we have been while wearing this emotionally loving and sensory supporting human body.

Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Holidays.

Give us this day our daily Narcissistic Abuse reminder and the necessary insight to heal all of our collective neurobiology.

Thank you for reading -- 26019 people have also visited this page in search of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery information based on the key term and key phrase selection

I'm seeking meaningful change and a healthier relationship.

For couples therapy to be effective, both individuals must practice personal accountability. Additionally, they must have some degree of self-awareness. Especially regarding their limitations, attitudes and behaviors that contribute to their relationship difficulties. In other words, both individuals need to take their fair share of responsibility in an effort to improve the relationship.

1. Criticism  she enjoys telling me repeatedly why I suck. I wonder why they want to remain in a relationship with if I'm such an awful person. But, that would mean applying logic and reason. I'm inadequate and disappointing. apparently everything is my fault. Nothing I do is enough. I'm not enough.

I also need to consider why I want to be with someone I think is awful. Do I have a need to be needed, confusing being needed with being loved, a willingness to tolerate abuse and my loyalty to people who abuse me.

Is the goal is to have a healthier, functional, reciprocal, accountable, compassionate, mature and equitable relationship built on honesty, trust and mutual respect?

Insist on a here and now focus. In other words, No post mortems. The marriage is over. Rather, focus on solutions not assignment of past blame. Reach an agreement with the therapist that if this happens in session, you will leave if the therapist doesn’t keep the boundaries.

Why am I blamed  for most (if not all) the problems and she takes no responsibility for her choices and behaviors I can’t single-handedly fix relationship problems. Nor can you do the work for your partner.

In order for couples counseling to be effective, several things need to happen:

1. Integrity. The professional victim stops victim-playing and takes responsibility for themselves instead of blaming their partner, their family and the world. Additionally, the lying must stop. Including lying to therapists. That’s the thing about pathological liars. They’re pathological. And they won’t stop.

2. Reciprocity. Agree that the relationship will no longer be a one-way street paved with double standards. Neither partner’s needs, wants and feelings are more important than the others.

3. BOUNDARIES. Mutual respect for boundaries is non-negotiable. It’s also important to clearly define boundaries. For example, “My boundary is you must not talk to me about my behavior that’s hurtful and destructive because it triggers me! I can blast you with everything I feel you do wrong and if you don’t admit fault you’re not communicating!” is NOT a boundary.

4. Emotional maturity. The mutual realization and acceptance that the only person you can change is yourself. Furthermore, if your partner doesn’t see anything wrong with their behavior and attitudes, they’re not going to change. In other words, mature people accept reality rather than obstinately denying it.

10 minutes of quality conversation a day us.

We could focus on 10 minutes of quality conversation a day us. Try to touch on goals, values, important friendships or sources of stress. Avoid household chores and other minutiae.

Here are a few conversation starters you can try: 

What's your favorite movie? Why? 

 Are you closer to your mom or dad? Why? 

 What is the one thing you really want to accomplish in the next two years? 

What are you most afraid of? 

 What age do you feel like inside? Why? 

 What was the one thing you hated most as a kid? 

 What are the top three worst songs of all time?

is this a small price to pay?

Decide what you can live with in your love relationship. 

Are you happy in this relationship? 

Can you live with her family not liking or accepting you? 

You need to decide if this is a small price to pay for your relationship and whether you can tolerate being excluded from or snubbed at family gatherings. After all, all love relationships have their own unique challenges! But if you are seriously upset or bothered by her family, and if it’s causing conflict in your relationship, then you need to decide what you can do about it. And, what you can do does not include changing your girlfriend or in-laws. 

 Remember that you can’t change anyone but yourself. Don’t ask – or expect – your girlfriend or her family to act or think differently. After you express your feelings about how you’re being treated (or mistreated) and after you ask what you did to cause her family to treat you this way, then you need to let go. 

You have to let them be who they are. Your toxic in-laws may not be able to accept you for who you are, but for your own peace of mind and soul, you have to accept them for who they are.

If we can't handle each other at our worst moments, then we didn't deserve each other @ our best

"Getting what you want isn't easy & getting what you want doesn't always give you what you need! And sometimes the most unexpected things become important.." "Before I die." by Jenny Dawham.