Couples Therapy with Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 1

At some point, many of my clients have attended couples counseling with a narcissistic, histrionic or borderline partner or ex. Couples therapy can be a fruitful endeavor when two adults equally commit to improve themselves, their relationship and grow together. Typically, this doesn’t occur when one or both partners are personality disordered. In such cases, couples therapy with narcissists and borderlines is a theater of blame, in which problems are enabled, prolonged or worsened, rather than resolved.

Frequently, this occurs under the watch of a biased, enabling therapist. Please note, not all therapists in these situations are biased and enabling, but enough of them are that it’s a systemic problem in psychology and social work. This seems to be especially true when the husband or boyfriend is the partner being abused.

Effective vs. destructive couples counseling.

For couples therapy to be effective, both individuals must practice personal accountability. Additionally, they must have some degree of self-awareness. Especially regarding their limitations, attitudes and behaviors that contribute to their relationship difficulties. In other words, both individuals need to take their fair share of responsibility in an effort to improve the relationship.

Bottom line, people with borderline and narcissistic personalities lack the psychological capacity necessary to engage in mutually beneficial couples therapy. Ideally, I recommend not attempting couples counseling until they’ve done some individual work first and have some awareness of their issues. Even then, it likely won’t help.

Again, couples therapy with narcissists and borderlines is a theater of blame. Ideally, counseling can help the non-disordered partner see things aren’t going to get better and plan accordingly. Not so ideally, it’s a waste of time and money. That is, if you seek meaningful change and a healthier relationship. In the worst cases, couples therapy becomes yet another avenue of abuse.

The Four Horsemen.

The Gottman Method is a mode of couples therapy developed in the early 1990s by Dr’s John and Julie Gottman. The Gottman’s believe that relationship satisfaction and longevity is determined by how couples fight and how they make up. I agree. These are extremely important relationship variables.

The Gottman’s identified four factors that, if present in a relationship, can often predict divorce. They are:

1. Criticism: You can’t do anything right. You’re inadequate and disappointing. Everything is your fault. Nothing you do is enough. You’re not enough.

2. Contempt: You see your partner as beneath you, deserving of scornful derision. When a partner feels contempt for you, your feelings, complaints, etc., are rejected and dismissed. Contempt is a kind of relationship cancer. Once it metastasizes, it’s game over.

3. Defensiveness: This is a common response to criticism. Many people don’t like feeling criticized and initially respond with defensiveness. If character pathology is absent, you reflect upon whether the criticism is valid and fair. After which, you agree to change, don’t change or negotiate and compromise.

4. Stonewalling: Attempts to discuss relationship issues are dismissed, avoided, justified, rationalized, minimized or reversed with “Well, what about when you . . . !” misdirections.

If these factors are fixable, great. Work on them! Bad habits are breakable. A lack of character and integrity are not. Resolvable relationship issues typically aren’t driven by character pathology. Irresolvable relationship issues typically are.

The Four Horsemen in the Cluster B Corral.

Couples counseling, general relationship advice and self-help literature that targets “normals” doesn’t apply to the personality disordered (and codependents to a certain degree). The personality disordered are frequently untethered from objective reality. Many are pathological liars with little to no empathy for others — especially their codependent partners.

Codependency is a dysfunctional pattern of interpersonal relating. To over-simplify, the disordered think only of themselves, their feelings, anxieties, desires and needs. Codependents are super other-focused and believe the path to love is caring for others often to the detriment of themselves. They often find healthier potential partners boring or unexciting. They’re looking for partners to fix into being able to love. In other words, a good deal of core wound work is necessary before more general relationship literature and counseling will be effective for the disordered and the codependent.

For narcissists and borderlines, communication and conflict resolution aren’t the issues. The main issue is their character pathology. The other big issues at play are your codependency and trauma bonding. That is, your need to be needed, confusing being needed with being loved, a willingness to tolerate abuse and your loyalty to people who abuse you.

Narcissists and borderlines don’t do healthy conflict resolution. They manufacture conflict when bored, attention-seeking and enjoy inflicting pain. Although, in these cases, conflict isn’t a means to resolve problems. When they generate conflict, it’s actually bullying, pouting, blame-shifting, victim-playing and/or a distraction from the actual issues. And this kind of conflict doesn’t stop until they get the desired emotional response or “win” and you apologize to them for being upset by their behavior. Basically, it’s a manipulation or coercion tactic.

The Four Horsemen + personality disorder pathology = Toxic x 1000.

This is how the Four Horsemen operate in conjunction with the personality disordered-codependent couple:

1. Criticism + Professional Victimhood: Professional victims are perpetually aggrieved. Meaning, they enjoy telling you repeatedly why you suck. You may wonder why they want to remain in a relationship with if you’re so awful. But, that would mean applying logic and reason. Also, please consider why you want to be with someone you think is awful.

2. Contempt dehumanizes you: Once the love bombing/idealization/honeymoon stage ends, the devaluation stage begins. Moreover, in order to treat you the way they do, the narcissist or borderline has to see you as less than human and deserving of scorn. After which, all manner of abuse is possible.

3. Defensiveness + JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain): Defensiveness abounds in narcissist-borderline and codependent couples. The disordered are hypersensitive to criticism and have an acute accountability allergy. They respond with denial, rage, blame shifting, sulking, lying and/or the silent treatment. Similarly, codependents also respond defensively to criticism. However, codependents JADE themselves. In other words, they justify, argue, defend and explain hoping to resolve “misunderstandings.” But, conflict with the disordered doesn’t arise from misunderstandings. In short, they create conflict for the reasons already mentioned and to perpetuate their victim narrative.

4. Stonewalling: This is common behavior in toxic relationships. Basically, stonewalling is an avoidance tactic. Again, the real issues are the characterological disturbances and codependent traits, respectively. There are several ways to stonewall. For instance, derailing and tangenting, gaslighting, silent treatments, tuning out, numbing out, over-scheduling oneself, detachment, hyper-focusing on the kids or other family relationships (e.g., an elderly parent) and/or distracting oneself with compulsive activities (e.g., gaming, collecting, volunteering, etc.)

Couples therapy rarely works with a person who’s personality disordered (diagnosed or undiagnosed).

Remember, couples therapy with narcissists and borderlines is a theater of blame. They blame you  for most (if not all) the problems and take no responsibility for their choices and behaviors You can’t single-handedly fix relationship problems. Nor can you do the work for your partner.

In order for couples counseling to be effective, several things need to happen:

1. Integrity. The professional victim stops victim-playing and takes responsibility for themselves instead of blaming their partner, their family and the world. Additionally, the lying must stop. Including lying to therapists. That’s the thing about pathological liars. They’re pathological. And they won’t stop.

2. Reciprocity. Agree that the relationship will no longer be a one-way street paved with double standards. Neither partner’s needs, wants and feelings are more important than the others.

3. BOUNDARIES. Mutual respect for boundaries is non-negotiable. It’s also important to clearly define boundaries. For example, “My boundary is you must not talk to me about my behavior that’s hurtful and destructive because it triggers me! I can blast you with everything I feel you do wrong and if you don’t admit fault you’re not communicating!” is NOT a boundary.

4. Emotional maturity. The mutual realization and acceptance that the only person you can change is yourself. Furthermore, if your partner doesn’t see anything wrong with their behavior and attitudes, they’re not going to change. In other words, mature people accept reality rather than obstinately denying it.

Couples Therapy with Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 2

In Couples Counseling with Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 1, I explain the inherent difficulties in doing couples therapy with personality disordered partners. In many cases, couples counseling with narcissists and borderlines becomes a theater of blame. Essentially, the therapy office becomes another stage upon which the abuse, blame shifting and projection play out.  Moreover, these issues are compounded if the therapist is biased and/or enabling. In these situations, a complicit therapist wittingly or unwittingly plays both a supporting role in the production and an audience member.

The first installment discusses the differences between effective vs. ineffective couples counseling and Dr John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of dysfunctional relationships. Specifically, the Four Horsemen are behaviors that predict relationship dissatisfaction and divorce.  I also explain how the Four Horsemen are exacerbated by Cluster B character pathology. Specifically, partners with histrionic, narcissistic, borderline, sociopathic and/or psychopathic personalities.

Potential couples therapist issues when working with personality disordered-codependent couples.

Therapists are fallible people with issues and baggage of their own. If we don’t identify our own issues and biases and how they may impact our work, it can be problematic to say the least. Furthermore, degrees in Psychology, Social Work and Family Therapy don’t convey experience and competence. A degree means we completed our course requirements.

At the very least, I recommend professionals who graduated from an accredited mental health program. However, you can’t determine experience, competence, biases and goodness of fit without vetting different therapists.

Common problems to be cognizant of when vetting couples therapists:

1. Therapists who are inexperienced, incompetent and/or biased enable the borderline’s and narcissist’s pathology. In other words, the therapist enables their ongoing abuse of you and the children (if any). For example, the therapist states it’s your responsibility as a loving partner to be more patient and understanding of the abuse. Even worse, they encourage “radical acceptance.  In other words, not personalizing the borderline’s abuse and continuing to walk on eggshells.

2. Therapists who see what’s going on, but don’t call out the abusive behavior. There are different reasons for this. First, fear of the disordered person. Namely, litigation, stalking, harassment, smear campaigns, etc. Second, a naive strategy to build a therapeutic alliance with the disordered partner, then address the toxic behavior. Third, the therapist sees a conflict cash cow for the milking. They know if they confront the real issues the borderline or narcissist will likely leave and not return.

3. Personality disordered therapists. Yes, they exist and they’re as destructive to clients as they are in their own lives and relationships. There are so many ways for this one to go wrong. For example, a borderline personality disordered therapist who over-identifies with and is negligently sympathetic toward and tolerant of the BPD client to the point of enabling partner and/or child abuse. Or, because of identifying with the NPD partner, sessions devolve into tag team abuse of the non-disordered partner. Similarly, a therapist with unresolved codependency issues can be equally destructive.

There are other potential problems to look for when choosing a couples therapist, but these three are the most common in my experience.

Is there any value in doing couples therapy with narcissists and borderlines?

Short answer? Meh.

Is the goal is to have a healthier, functional, reciprocal, accountable, compassionate, mature and equitable relationship built on honesty, trust and mutual respect? If yes, then in all likelihood you’re wasting your time and money. Bad habits can change. Self-limiting and self-defeating beliefs and attitudes can evolve. Self-awareness can be heightened. One can learn to stop making excuses for self and others.

Good character and integrity are traits that, if not developed in childhood, cannot be learned in adulthood. Character, or the lack thereof, matters. Essentially, personality disorders are disturbances of character. In other words, a person of poor character and low or no integrity.

Recently, a client minimized his ex’s behavior by saying, “But there were times she acted with integrity!” To which I replied, “Having integrity and good character isn’t like having a good hair day. You either have it or you don’t.” Moreover, the real test of character and integrity is how a person behaves toward their loved ones offline, behind closed doors where their Facebook, Twitter and Instagram “friends” can’t see.

Couples counseling with a narcissist or borderline can be helpful if you use it to ease self-imposed guilt. In other words, you now feel you’ve done all you can and end the relationship with a clear conscience. Additionally, it can help end denial that the they’ll get better in any meaningful ways. They may change manipulation and abuse tactics, but their character doesn’t change.

Therapy after divorce to resolve “communication” and “co-parenting issues” with a disordered ex.

Three words: Don’t do it.

Couples therapy with narcissists and borderlines is a theater of blame. This is true before, during and after marriage. Some clients’ exes pressure them into and/or obtain court orders for post-divorce couples therapy. Frequently, the disordered ex is quite keen to do so. As in, chomping at the bit and salivating. Codependents eager to do so are typically in extreme denial.

Again, their character pathology is at the root of their relationship issues and that doesn’t change after you divorce. They often use reasonable sounding bytes like “better communication,” “co-parent” and “best interests of the children.” However, the words are a smokescreen and don’t mean what a reasonable person understands them to mean.

A disordered ex doesn’t want to communicate better with you. They also don’t want (or know how) to co-parent. In other words, cooperating, following custody orders and sharing parental power. They want obedient compliance, no boundaries, unilateral control and continued unfettered access to your life, your emotional equilibrium and oftentimes your money. Narcissistic and borderline exes also want to continue their victim-playing dramas post-divorce.

And post-divorce couples therapy is a gratifying stage upon which they can do so complete with an audience and potential enabling ally — the therapist!

Like I said, don’t do it.

What if you’re court ordered to do couples therapy with narcissists and borderlines post-divorce?

If there’s a court order (i.e. you have no choice), do your due diligence screen potential therapists and weed out the inexperienced and the enabling. For example:

1. Don’t fly blind. Reach out to the court ordered therapist. Ask for an individual session prior to the joint session. Explain that, while you’re not a mental health professional, the problems aren’t new. Plainly state that the ex causes you anxiety and fear. Respectfully and firmly insist upon establishing clear goals. For instance, what is the purpose of meeting and what needs to be achieved in order to stop meeting? Moreover, if one or both parties don’t agree, operate in bad faith or refuse to modify behavior, what then? What if you can’t agree upon goals? How is “reasonable” defined?

2. Don’t use psychology terms or labels. Describe the ex’s behavior in everyday language. Don’t bandy about terms you’ve learned by watching countless “My Ex is a Narcissist” YouTube videos and WordPress blogs. Let the therapist connect the dots.

3. BOUNDARIES! In addition to clear goals, establish ground rules. For example, no name calling. Practice respectful communication. Agree that disagreement isn’t equivalent to a refusal to co-parent. Furthermore, clearly defining boundaries in session should highlight who and what the problem is — the narcissistic and borderline pathology.

4. Insist on a here and now focus. In other words, No post mortems. The marriage is over. Rather, focus on solutions not assignment of past blame. Reach an agreement with the therapist that if this happens in session, you will leave if the therapist doesn’t keep the boundaries.

What’s the best use of your time and money?

Best case scenario, you find an experienced therapist who recognizes the problem and sets clear boundaries in session. Also, the therapist can also be a good court resource if need be. Worst case scenario, you reprise the role of villain in Master-BPD Theater: Still a Victim!

Focus and work on yourself, of course. What attracted to you to this person? Why did the love bombing feel so good instead of creepy? Do you have a pattern of relationships with similar women or men? Did either of your parents have similar personalities? Why did you think tolerating abuse would turn to love?

These are just some questions to get you started. What’re you waiting for? You matter. You’re worthy of the same love and care you poured into that ex-bottomless pit of misery. And if you do, you’ll actually begin to feel and see things different. Additionally, your taste in women or men will also likely dramatically improve when you’re ready to date again. What have you got to lose? Having another crappy relationship or feeling lost and incomplete on your own?