For couples therapy to be effective, both individuals must practice personal accountability. Additionally, they must have some degree of self-awareness. Especially regarding their limitations, attitudes and behaviors that contribute to their relationship difficulties. In other words, both individuals need to take their fair share of responsibility in an effort to improve the relationship.
1. Criticism she enjoys telling me repeatedly why I suck. I wonder why they want to remain in a relationship with if I'm such an awful person. But, that would mean applying logic and reason. I'm inadequate and disappointing. apparently everything is my fault. Nothing I do is enough. I'm not enough.
I also need to consider why I want to be with someone I think is awful. Do I have a need to be needed, confusing being needed with being loved, a willingness to tolerate abuse and my loyalty to people who abuse me.
Is the goal is to have a healthier, functional, reciprocal, accountable, compassionate, mature and equitable relationship built on honesty, trust and mutual respect?
Insist on a here and now focus. In other words, No post mortems. The marriage is over. Rather, focus on solutions not assignment of past blame. Reach an agreement with the therapist that if this happens in session, you will leave if the therapist doesn’t keep the boundaries.
Why am I blamed for most (if not all) the problems and she takes no responsibility for her choices and behaviors I can’t single-handedly fix relationship problems. Nor can you do the work for your partner.
In order for couples counseling to be effective, several things need to happen:
1. Integrity. The professional victim stops victim-playing and takes responsibility for themselves instead of blaming their partner, their family and the world. Additionally, the lying must stop. Including lying to therapists. That’s the thing about pathological liars. They’re pathological. And they won’t stop.
2. Reciprocity. Agree that the relationship will no longer be a one-way street paved with double standards. Neither partner’s needs, wants and feelings are more important than the others.
3. BOUNDARIES. Mutual respect for boundaries is non-negotiable. It’s also important to clearly define boundaries. For example, “My boundary is you must not talk to me about my behavior that’s hurtful and destructive because it triggers me! I can blast you with everything I feel you do wrong and if you don’t admit fault you’re not communicating!” is NOT a boundary.
4. Emotional maturity. The mutual realization and acceptance that the only person you can change is yourself. Furthermore, if your partner doesn’t see anything wrong with their behavior and attitudes, they’re not going to change. In other words, mature people accept reality rather than obstinately denying it.
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