The aftermath of PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME

I've read up on the topic parental Alienation syndrome and I wanted to share what I've learned so far. 

I never heard of PAD until my doctor mentioned the clinical name for what I described during on of my therapy session. I mentioned during our session that I feel it in my heart she is using my son as tool to hurt to me by deliberately keeping him from me. I disclosed the that I previously confided in her one of my biggest fears was my ex wife out of spite would keep my daughters away and the pain it would cause me emotionally. I had an overwhelming worry that my son would not remember me after 2 months of not seeing me. I over came that negative thought when I saw him briefly in the park in March.  I was driven off by the child's rejection, he did not recognize me nor did he greet me in his usual manner. I think he might of recognized my voice for a second when I called out his nickname in the park, he stopped and looked around. 

 The signs were there all along

In 2017, I noticed I struggled as a father with the issue of paternal identity after his birth, 3  weeks due to the fact I strongly felt the relationship was one sided. I noticed a year later , I felt the exact same way. I started questioning my decision of continuing a relationship. I made the difficult decision to leave, I was totally unprepared for the emotional and practical consequences where my son was concerned. I knew from her emotional outburst that I would not be guaranteed continued close contact with him. I felt particularly outraged and betrayed by the system, which was seen as unfair and biased toward mothers. She was well of aware of the fact and was being advised by our babysitters mother who is an attorney. My intuition told me something was not right early one morning in October, I spent the night and when I woke up I went to my car to get a charger. Upon walking back to the house I noticed the babysitter walking in building and an older heavy set woman standing near the entrance of the gate. I said hello and proceed to walk in the building when she blocked the entrance to the gate and stated, "oh one minute, let me call Nancy to see if it is okay?" I was baffled at the fact that she would think its okay to question me going into my own home. I did not realize it then but in hindsight I notice now that the mother of my child was smearing my name and gossiping behind my back.She had been planning this for a while and recording our conversations was one of her preferred methods of running back to her "circle" aka flying monkeys." look and see what a terrible person he is!" What a fool, I put up with it all and was sucked into a vicious cycle that I did not know how to get out. In early 2019, I started to seek help for the overwhelming feelings I was experiencing due to our toxic relationship. 

After researching the topic, I found it was a common for fathers who become target parents in PAS give up and withdraw, contributing to the significant dropout rate of fathers after seperation. I had the intention to be persist in my efforts to establish and maintain a meaningful post-seperation relationship with my son despite daunting obstacles. It motivates me to persist in my efforts to be father, despite rejection, delayed litigation. Six months later I feel that even if my parental rights are reinstated, I have lost valuable time with my son, damaging our parent-child relationship.

Commonly seen PAS

• Children are about twice as likely to form PAS type alignments with their mothers as they are with their fathers 
• fathers are more likely than mothers to become target parents

• many Fathers found themselves closer to their children as part-time fathers than they were during the marriage when they were living with their children full-time.

• The emotional rewards of fathering gave some men new meaning to their lives after the loss, loneliness and feelings of failure engendered by seperation.

• When fathers experienced a positive response from their children, they were more likely to pursue the relationship.

the stress reaction is due to involuntary separation from my son, I have an equally strong need to nurture and parent all my kids. I experienced profound feelings of loss and frustration when I was reduced to a separation relationship with my son is nonexistent. 

Some fathers reported that they had been the primary parent during the marriage and that their children needed them in order to cope with a mother who was chaotic and disturbed.

 convinced their children would suffer if the father-child bond was ruptured. They felt frustrated and sabotaged in their efforts to maintain the bond but refused to accept the idea that their children could develop well if the father-child relationship was severed. 

 

I have to grow accustomed the idea of being a "visitor "in my kid's lives. I felt a the common adjustment reactions including anxiety, depression, hypervigilance and outrage, especially in response to denigration and expressions of hatred by their ex-wives.

Circumstances of the Separation Which Increase Risk of Becoming a Target Parent

The likelihood that a father will become the target parent in an alienation scenario increases according to who is seen as responsible for the marital break-up  The risk increases when the parent seen as responsible for the break-up is discovered to have actually been unfaithful  Leaving the marriage precipitously may also incur in creased risk of becoming a target parent. The mother became the target parent in this example:

I felt I was a good Father  but I was also guilt ridden and conflict avoidant. I tried to leave her  several times but each time she persuaded me to return.

Contributions by the Target Parent to PAS

The relative contribution of the target parent to the PAS scenario varies widely, depending on the severity of the PAS, psychological issues of one or both parents, the target parent's capacity to parent, and other factors.

For intervention to be effective in PAS, it is important to carefully assess the relative contributions of each parent and to consider their relative capacities for a healthy parent/child relationship.ather was found to be excessively rigid and insensitive to his daughter's needs, seemingly an example of Johnston's observation that rejected parents are often inept and unempathic with their children 

In severe PAS, the target parent may be relatively healthy and contribute minimally to the PAS, compared to the alienating parent.
 

high conflict families, unresolved anger and continued narcissistic injury of either parent may contribute significantly to the child's rejection of one parent. fathers sometimes engaged in controlling, provocative behavior in their efforts to reestablish a lost sense of control, especially if the divorce was not of their own choosing. 

Nicholas suggested that target parents may reinforce the PAS by assuming an ambivalent or inconsistent stance toward custody after years of litigation. the hated parent, usually the father, often exhibited a distant, rigid style which was seen by the child as authoritarian, especially in comparison to the preferred parent, who was overly indulgent and permissive. It is important not to overgeneralize, however, and to keep in mind that behavior of the aligned parent and child may influence and concretize the ambivalence reserve or indignation of the rejected parent.


Even if the charge is successfully refuted and the accused parent's rights are reinstated, the parent has lost valuable time with the child, damaging the parent-child relationship.
 

 additional repercussions for the falsely accused parent include damage to personal dignity, reputation in the community, and depletion of financial and other resources needed to defend the charge