We talk all the time at ASP about the importance of de-escalation for avoiding physical conflicts. This strategy of using verbal judo and the LEAPS method of communications is one of the most important strategies to accomplish that!
More on verbal judo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btBw7...
More on active listening: https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/Ac...
More on LEAPS: http://www.ikontraining.co.uk/wp-cont...
ASP merch is now in stock in the store…go get a newly designed limited edition hat! http://get-asp.com/store
Don’t forget to subscribe to the main channel for daily narrated lessons of real defensive encounters: www.youtube.com/activeselfprotection
Thursday, October 1, 2020
9 Toxic Mental Habits That the Most Emotionally Intelligent People Avoid
https://getpocket.com/explore/item/9-toxic-mental-habits-that-the-most-emotionally-intelligent-people-avoid?utm_source=pocket-newtab
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9 Toxic Mental Habits That the Most Emotionally Intelligent People Avoid
To avoid being caught in the grips of negative and unproductive thinking, emotional intelligence is your antidote.
Inc.
- Marcel Schwantes
Photo from Getty Images.
Whether you're running a business, leading a team, reconciling a friendship or trying to be the best spouse you can be, we are all prone to irrational thinking that can hurt our professional and personal relationships, or keep us stuck.
This can derive from a myriad of sources including a bad experience, broken belief system, an unresolved emotional issue, or a narrow view or perception of the world around us.
People with emotional intelligence (EQ) with a penchant for positive thinking roll a different way. I'm going to list common examples any of us may face that lead to toxic, irrational thinking, followed by its rational, EQ) counterpart to aid you in shifting your perspective.
1. Irrational Thinking: I should be liked and approved of by almost everyone.
EQ Counterpart: No one is liked by everyone. That is unrealistic.
2. Irrational Thinking: To be worthy and have self-esteem, I have to be competent and successful in all respects.
EQ Counterpart: I can't expect to be perfect in all respects; it's okay to fail and make mistakes.
3. Irrational Thinking: I'm stupid and don't deserve this.
EQ Counterpart: What I did was stupid, and I can forgive myself and try again.
4. Irrational Thinking: This shouldn't have happened. I am to be blamed.
EQ Counterpart: This should have happened because it did. I am at fault, but I am not to be blamed.
5. Irrational Thinking: Things always go wrong.
EQ Counterpart: I have to accept that sometimes things will go wrong. And that's okay.
6. Irrational Thinking: I am a failure.
EQ Counterpart: I'm a person who sometimes fails. And that's okay. I'll try again.
7. Irrational Thinking: I'm a product of my past. I can't change anything. I've always been this way.
EQ Counterpart: Things have happened in the past that have influenced my behavior, but I can learn to modify how I think and react if I work at it. People can and do change.
8. Irrational Thinking: I really need to be dependent on someone stronger than myself. My happiness depends on others.
EQ Counterpart: I'm the one who ultimately decides what's best for me. Dependency is more like a habit and a state of mind that can be altered with practice.
9. Irrational Thinking: It's easier to avoid than to face this problem; hopefully it will just go away.
EQ Counterpart: In the long run, it's better to face this problem and accept my role in it; only then can there be resolution and better relationships.
http://www.jacquesviljoen.co.za/emotional-detachment-techniques.html
How to emotionally detach yourself &
get control over your emotions:
i like to refer to the "before-detached, still attached" as the
"ddd moment"
(triple 'd'), ((not cup-size)): drama drama drama
i like to refer to the "before-detached, still attached" as the
"ddd moment"
(triple 'd'), ((not cup-size)): drama drama drama
|
Not only did I have to detach myself emotionally
from disappointment in love affairs, but also had to emotionally detach
myself from emotions after a life-changhing accident. Subscribe to my
channel and follow my daily Vlogs to experience how I live life without
getting intensely emotionally involved with what I experience every
day.
|
00:00
00:00
Come alive - Elvis Blue We all experience the WTF moment! Whether
being single or in a relationship; emotional abuse even in a
friendship; weird feelings caused by family! You reach a point where you
ask yourself the question (Maybe in your own way: e.g. Why is the
person reacting like this; why does the situation making me feel so
weird?)
I'm posting this page as I've been approached quite a few times over the past few days regarding emotional pain that people can't deal with. I've given an explanation on various factors. BUT, I personally like hands-on things in life. Give me points to work through, techniques I can apply in my day to day actions. I've started with a technique and then explaining the whole process after the "HOW TO"... Make sure you read the text following the technique as it's crucial for you to understand the "mechanical" side in order for you to achieve success applying the technique in your day-to-day life. You will get the idea that I'm only talking about individuals currently in relationships. I'm sure you've got a good enough IQ to make this info your own and reference back to your past relationship and relate to what you're experiencing right now. |
Maybe a WTF, how could I moment?
You'll soon get to the point where you can make a pose after practicing these techniques! |
|
The
BEST EVER realization in psychology is the fact that your mind does not
know whether a situation is being real or you're experiencing it in our
thoughts. You will feel just as good if you have a discussion or fight
in your mind with someone sorting things out. Sounds silly... But
it's proven!
I’ve repeated myself a few times on the site: The best ever words in life when being in an emotional state (what makes you emotional?, the “LOSS” word. We can categorize loss under rejection as if you being rejected by someone, you experience loss. SO, YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP SOMETHING GOOD IN LIFE (and let go with it, make space for new happy things), TO RECEIVE SOMETHING BETTER IN RETURN. How can you see clearly, how can your thoughts be clear and of good quality when you’ve got this foggy view? It influence your perspective. you cannot cook food in pot’s where last nights food got burnt in without whaling them properly. Emotionally detaching from a distructive situation in which you've been emotionally involved before can be extremely difficult. People believe they still love their abusive partners or exes. Therefore, developing indifference and detaching from their abusers or situations - even when they’re a consistent source of pain - seems antithetical. I use the term "abuse". In any situation where different parties are involved and we experience a negative feeling, or a situation is pushing us into a pattern of not being ourselves, it can be catagorized as abuse (that's what you're experiencing). Don't think of blood, open wounds, ER's and blurry people running around in blue clothes with florescent lights having the same effect as road markings on the highway... Emotional scarring is worse than a physical scar... I sometimes wish we had emotion white-blood cells! We walk into relationships (romantic or friendship) and believe that the person is great, wonderful, awesome, good influence, right moral standards, non-abusive, etc. Wait till you take a sip of milk that's on the verge of being sour. You can't put it back in the fridge and wait for it to become fresh again. You can try though, but good luck on that one! Nevertheless, learning to detach is vital if you ever hope to regain your health, happiness, sanity and sense of Self. This also applies to people who have divorced or broken up with their abusive spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend, but have to maintain some degree of contact because of shared children, working for the same company or attending the same school. Gay people like to keep contact because of animals! PLEASE NOTE: This is the biggest manipulation, bull-shit moment you'll experience in your life... Don't go there! This is a situation of a Lion being friends with a lamb! He's going to fuck you over sooner or later!!! Emotionally detaching requires that you change many of your attitudes, beliefs and behaviors. Detaching is not about enabling your abuser; it’s about disarming your abuser by eradicating her or his ability to hurt you. It’s not about changing your behavior so that you don’t trigger your wife, boyfriend or girlfriend. In fact, if you successfully detach it will probably provoke the next person to become nasty or more "grrrr" because you cause them to experience rejection. For your psychological survival, whether you're currently experiencing or have experienced an abusive scenario leaving you with emotional scarring, you need to develop and feel indifference and emotional detachment. Before you can begin to detach, you need to accept the following: Love does not conquer all. What you’re experiencing or what you've experienced in your relationship probably isn’t love; it’s a distorted, twisted version of it. You can’t fix or rescue someone from being abusive, sick, dysfunctional and lost in their own highly distorted reality. In fact, trying to rescue an abuser—particularly if they are a borderline, a narcissist, a histrionic or a sociopath—is akin to trying to rescue to drowning person who’s crying for help and then holds you under water until you begin to drown. The more you try to rescue the person, the more they'll drag you under. RED IS THE NEW BLACK (Is it only me?) > You give people the power to hurt you. > You can survive and thrive without abusive relationships. You don’t “need” her or him. You had a life before this person and eventually you’ll have a much better life post Ms. or Mr. Crazypants. > You’re not responsible for your spouse’s, partner’s or ex’s happiness, failures, shortcomings or bad behaviors. > The person who you want your spouse or partner to be is in conflict with the person she or he is in reality. > Continuing to hope for the best from someone who consistently gives you the worst is a set-up for more pain and disillusionment. > You are not helpless, powerless and incompetent. The relationship with your abusive spouse or partner causes you to feel that way, which is why it’s often so difficult to take care of yourself and break free. > There’s no shame in admitting that you need to walk away from a relationship that’s destructive and toxic. It’s vital that you begin to develop a rational perspective and distance yourself from an ongoing hurtful current or past-relationship that you can neither control nor change. Many people remain in abusive relationships physically and in their minds well beyond a point of personal pain and devastation that defies reason. You need to come back to your senses and see your partner for who he or she is and your part in it. |
Here are some detachment techniques: 1. Make yourself solely responsible for your own well-being and happiness. Catch yourself when you begin to utter, “If only he or she could . . . If only he or she would . . .” and knock it off. Coulda, woulda, shoulda is the language of regret and pipe dreams. Keeping you in a beaten down and depressive state makes it easier for negativity to control you. Not so experienced predators don’t target the swiftest and strongest kudu in the herd; the one with the limp usually becomes lion lunch. Take back the control you gave the person over your feelings, happiness and well-being and start meeting your own needs by making different choices and acting on them. 2. Accept that you can’t fix, change, rescue, save, make someone else happy or love someone enough to make them be nice to you. Don’t just pay lip service to this. Really wrap your brain around the fact that no matter what you do, it will never be good enough. Understand that no matter how much you do or has done for him or her; he or she’ll always expect or would have expected and demanded more. Acknowledge that the more you appease, compromise and forget your own needs; the more entitled, demanding and ungrateful the person will be. It's like the Iraqui War; you’re throwing good energy after bad with no victory or end in sight. 3. Eliminate the hooks. A hook is typically an emotional, psychological or physical stake that you have in the other person and the relationship. For example, GUILT is a big hook that keeps many people in abusive relationships with destructive narcissistic, borderline and histrionic partners. “I don’t how he'll take care of himself. What would he do without me? I’d feel guilty if I left because of the kids (or dogs) *gay, haha.” The flip side of guilt is EGO. If you leave an abusive person, I hate to break it to you, but they’ll do just fine without you or if you already left the person, they ARE fine without you. They'll probably try to suck you dry financially while lining up the next target to control and abuse. It’s not personal. These personalities view others as objects to be used. They’ll simply replace you or has already with another object and do the same damn thing to the next person. Guilt is a control device people uses to keep you in line. Other hooks include shame (e.g., of failing or not being strong enough), loss of status (e.g., being perceived as a nice or good guy), loss of material assets or access to children or dogs (*gay), haha, perfectionism and your own need to control others, situations and outcomes. 4. Learn to control your body language. (If you're still facing the abuse or still have contact with your ex-partner. Your body language and facial expressions can betray what you’re feeling and thinking on the inside without you saying a word. Since your partner's covert and overt attacks are designed to elicit a reaction, you need to learn how not to give him or her the reaction they are seeking. It doesn’t matter if you don’t yell back. Seeing the pain flicker in your eyes, your face wince and your shoulders slump in dejection is often reward enough. Stand in front of a mirror and think of some of the nastiest and most hurtful things someone has said or done to you. Maintain eye contact and practice a calm, blank facial expression or a knowing, slightly amused smile. Practice slow, steady and relaxed breathing. Lower the tone of your voice (higher pitched voices reveal anxiety and agitation). Your shoulders, arms and hands should hang loose. Keep practicing relaxed and detached body language until you actually feel indifferent and unruffled by the person's barbs, jabs and eye rolls. In other words, fake it ’til you make it. 5. Lower your expectations. (Past relationship or if you'd like to move on and not become a monogamous old fart) Ordinarily, I encourage people to expect the best from others to create a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. However, expecting the best from an abusive person will result in you feeling broadsided, perpetually disappointed and hurt most of the time. For all their crocodile tears and hyper-sensitivity, abusive narcissistic, borderline, histrionic and sociopathic people are emotional predators and bullies. If you stay in the relationship, the best you can expect is more of the same. You may achieve some periods of “peace” if you can learn how not to trigger him or her (remember, the person not responsible for his or her behavior; you’re responsible for their behavior and your behavior and all the other problems in the universe), how not to take attacks personally (even though they’re extremely personal in nature) and how to maintain your boundaries through implementing behavioral consequences. “Happiness reflects the difference between what you expect versus what you actually get in life—so if you keep expecting good things to happen, but they never do or take a turn for the worse, you will suffer constant unhappiness.” Your partner probably has significant characterological pathology and is unlikely to change. Therefore, keep your expectations for certain behavior low, but continue to believe that you will be okay once you remove yourself from the situation and/or stop giving the power to hurt you. 6. Do something that removes you from the abuse and centers you. Meditate or whatever your version of meditation is—reading, walking, woodworking, painting, music—anything that’s restorative. Find pockets of sanity and safety with friends and family or physical spaces like your office, the gym, the pub or social/professional organizations. Find activities that will take you out of the line of fire and minimize your exposure to the person and the abuse. Find a hobby or activity that makes you feel good about your self and restores your confidence and esteem. As I've mentioned. You can be single after a hurtful relationship but the pathology and emotional scars are visible. You can relate to point 6. Even if you've been living the single life for years, you still have these patterns and thoughts running through your mind. 7. See the big picture and don’t get distracted by the persons minutiae. The ultimate goal is to not let the person's past abusive behavior effect you whether in reality or in your mind. By detaching, you’re taking back the power that you ceded to people or thoughts. These new behaviors will take time for you to learn and perfect. It takes a while to develop indifference. It runs counter to our fundamental beliefs about love and relationships. However, if you’re in a relationship with someone who verbally and/or physically attacks you, devalues you, makes you feel less than and who raises him or herself up at your expense, you must learn how to make yourself less vulnerable and eventually immune to the person. Abusive personalities have no soul, only ego, and they will destroy your soul if you let them. |
Why Most People Will Never Have Great Relationships
https://medium.com/the-mission/why-most-people-will-never-have-great-relationships-bffc4152e978
Why Most People Will Never Have Great Relationships
Low-quality relationships = low-quality life.
Apr 26, 2018 · 8 min read
“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” -Tony Robbins
Relationships are perhaps the most important foundation for your life.
If you have great relationships, there’s virtually nothing that can defeat you, or even discourage you. As prolific author Frank Crane once wrote, having a close friend “doubles every joy and halves every defeat.”
But if most of your relationships are shallow and superficial, it doesn’t matter if you have the most “successful” life imaginable — everything still rings hollow if there’s no one to celebrate with.
As part of a recent study, The National Science Foundation (NSF) asked 1,500 people how many friends they had that they could talk with about their personal troubles or triumphs.
1 in 4 said they had no one to talk with. That number doubled when they took out family members.
Two thirds of Americans say they’ve lost more than 90% of the friends they had 10 years ago. Many Americans can only claim to have 2 close friends — maybe less.
Why do most people have mediocre relationships — or none at all?
Why are most people on track to never have great relationships?
Because they can’t be bothered to learn how.
“In order to get to the next level of whatever you’re doing, you must think and act in a wildly different way than you were before.” -Grant Cardone
Most People Can’t Be Bothered to Learn How to Communicate
“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” -Ernest Hemingway
When my wife Kimi and I were in premarital counseling, we read a book called The 5 Love Languages. That little book has made us 1000x closer to each other.
Maybe you’ve read the book before. In a nutshell, the book says every person loves, and wants to be loved, in 5 ways (with 1 or 2 main preferences):
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
- Gifts
Everyone loves — and wants to be loved — in these 5 ways. But the reason most people continue to have mediocre relationships is because they just can’t be bothered to learn how the other person wants to be loved.
Not knowing how your loved ones want to be loved is extremely dangerous. This is where the deepest, most profound disconnects can happen, things like:
- The workaholic father who buys his children anything they want — except all they really wanted was a dad who came to baseball games
- The husband who never really wants to talk — but is always in the mood for sex
- The friend who is more attentive to their smartphone than whatever you’re talking about
Most people can’t be bothered to learn how to communicate with and love their friends/partner the way they want.
As long as you never learn how you want to receive love — and learn how those around you want to receive it — you’ll always have mediocre relationships.
Communication is hard. It takes empathy, focus, and conscious effort to give your friend the attention they need.
But isolation and loneliness are far harder.
The reason your relationships are mediocre is because you haven’t learned enough about communication.
“If you keep living like the way you are now, you will continue to produce the same life you already have.” -Jim Rohn
Upgrade Your Relationships 10x By Just SAYING It
“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.” -Harriet Beecher Stowe
(I wrote this section recently that ended up being highlighted by hundreds of people):
When my wife and I were in premarital counseling, our counselor gave us a piece of advice that would end up changing our lives:
Always make the first move.
The meaning is simple: if you can help the relationship, then do it. Don’t wait for the other person to act (even if you don’t want to).
Most people have strained and superficial relationships with family and even with friends. This is because most people always wait for the other person to “make the first move;” say hello, organize a hangout, or apologize.
This is a pride thing. It’s one of the main killers of marriages, friendships, and even families.
If you want to have deep, meaningful relationships with your friends, family, and even just the people in your day-to-day life, make the first move — even if it should be them. Be the first to:
- Initiate the conversation
- Send the first text
- Say you miss them
- Say you love them
- Apologize and ask for forgiveness
- Organize a hangout
- Compliment them
- Thank them
- Tell them you appreciate what they did
For a long time, I felt awkward and uncomfortable telling my brothers and sister “I love you.” Three of the people whom I loved most in the entire world, and I couldn’t say it!
Now, I tell them I love them all the time. I say it over text, over casual phone calls, at crises, celebrations, and over the holidays. I tell my friends, too. Every single important person in my life — mentors, family, friends, even coworkers, know how special they are to me.
It feels silly to be afraid to say this to a loved one. Yet, so many people can’t say a few simple words that would galvanize the entire relationship and deeply touch their soul.
Once you can do this, you can begin enjoying a gem most people never will: close, loving, life-giving relationships with many people.
Most People Care About Others, Yes — But They Care About Themselves More
In his book, No One Wants to Read Your Sh*t, New York Times Best-selling author Stephen Pressfield wrote:
“None of us wants to hear your self-centered, ego-driven, unrefined demands for attention. Why should we? It’s boring. There’s nothing in it for us.”
In the same way artists and creatives can only connect with their audience through giving value, you can only truly connect with others when it stops being about you.
If you want deeply fulfilling relationships, you must give from yourself.
Give your time, attention, energy, love, and focus towards building and nurturing that relationship.
The individuals who do this are rare. But anyone who chooses to build their relationships like this are the ones who will have deep, meaningful relationships.
“The world gives to the givers and takes from the takers.” -Adam Grant
The Questions Everyone With Incredible Relationships Asks Themselves
“Successful people do what unsuccessful people are unwilling to do.” -Darren Hardy
People with several deep, intimate relationships carry themselves differently. They treat their friends differently. They ask themselves specific questions that most people don’t even think of.
From a speech for alcoholics by marriage experts Dave and Polly P.:
“Ask yourself: Do I think of my partner and myself as a unit? Our book says that selfishness and self-centeredness are, we think, the root of our problem.
Are you selfish or self-centered with respect to your marriage or relationship?
Do you think in terms of our house, our cars, our bank account, our dogs, our furniture?
Or do you think in terms of my car, my money, my phone, my stuff?
If you are thinking mostly about yourself, you are not likely to have a relationship with another person that will bring you joy and happiness.”
Most people don’t ask themselves these hard questions. The truth is, if you have mediocre relationships, it’s likely because you’re being selfish, self-absorbed, or self-centered.
Can you say you’ve been more selfless than selfish in the past few months?
Many people can’t.
The good news is, change is readily available.
All that is required is action.
Best-selling author Grant Cardone once wrote:
“Almost every problem people face in their lives are all the result of not taking enough action.”
If you want to upgrade your relationships from mediocre to extraordinary, you must take actions you’ve never taken before. Grant Cardone went on to write, “Success is just one of the byproducts of those who take the most action.”
Want incredible relationships, best friends, and an amazing partner?
Then take more action than you ever have before.
If You Don’t Value Your Healing, You Don’t Value Your Relationships
“We can never flee the misery that is within us.” -Arthur Golden
Most people carry severe baggage with them all day.
We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all been laughed at, excluded, beat up, put down, and forgotten.
A main difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people bring this garbage out in the open to heal it.
- When I was 7, I was bullied constantly for a severe speech impediment.
- When I was 10, my best friend Donald convinced the rest of our friends to kick me out of our group and throw rocks at me.
- When I was 15, my high school girlfriend told my entire school was a porn-addict after telling her I struggled with porn.
I could go on. I’m sure you could, too.
The reason people with successful, amazing relationships have them is because they’ve chosen to address their own emotional garbage that prevents them from connecting.
If you want amazing relationships, you need to work on yourself first.
I saw my own life going down the toilet — I was addicted to porn, had terrible unresolved family issues, and virtually nonexistent self-worth.
I made the choice to go to therapy, 12-step programs, and get all this crap out in the open.
It sucked. It required more of me than I’ve ever had to give.
But my marriage with my wife is incomprehensibly amazing. I haven’t looked at porn in years. My wife teased me the other day that I have a million “bro-mances.” She’s right — I have a dozen guys that I know intimately, and they know me the same way.
If you want to upgrade your relationships from mediocre to extraordinary, then spend a lot of time, focus, and energy on making yourself better.
In Conclusion
“The measure we gave was the measure we got back.” -Alcoholics Anonymous
The amount of energy, focus, and care you put into making yourself better is proportionate to the level of relationships you’ll have.
If you don’t invest in yourself…
If you don’t bother to learn how to communicate…
If you don’t care enough to learn how your loved ones want to be loved…
You’ll always have mediocre relationships.
If you want amazing, high-quality relationships that will last for decades, you need to take action to learn how to do that. Take care of yourself, and heal what’s preventing you from connecting.
Ready to Level-Up?
If you want to become extraordinary and become 10x more effective than you were before, check out my checklist.
eternal love
https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/eternal-love-is-real-what-it-means-to-love-someone-forever/1021610
Love can drive a person insane.
It has started families just as well as ended them. It has fueled wars, both ruined and ended lives, changed the face of the planet.
At the same time, love has been the driving force of change for the better, giving people hope and something to look forward to.
Love has taught me more about life than anything else ever could. It has taught me about the way the world works.
It has taught me about how beautiful and horrible every single person in this world is capable of being.
It has showed me that we, ourselves, are both the cause and the cure to all our woes. It has introduced me to me.
How is it possible that one single concept could hold so much peace and so much hatred? So much beauty and so much monstrosity?
The answer is simple. Love is perfect – the one thing in the entire universe that is entirely perfect. And being such means it must hold everything within it – both good and evil, both beauty and ugliness, both peace and war.
Love is the single power in this universe that is perfection. It is mutable, multifaceted. It can grow in strength and dissipate.
Love is whatever we wish it to be. Or rather, love is whatever we make it to be. Whether what we make of it is what we wish it to be, is an entirely different question.
Understanding love and what it allows for is arguably the most important lesson a person can learn in his or her lifetime.
It is the one thing that every single human being in the world – and plenty of animals as well – longs for.
In a sense, even sociopaths wish to be loved – even if only by themselves.
Love is what drives us to act. It drives us to create change, to become different people. I say different and not better because the truth is love doesn’t always turn us into better individuals.
It doesn’t always make us better people – sometimes it makes us a whole lot worse.
In life, we are capable of loving a lot of things. We can love objects, experiences, memories, but no love is like the love we have for another human being.
To understand why this is so, we have to understand what love really is.
Love is an emotion, but not just an emotion. It is, more than anything else, a change. Love necessarily changes us because it is, itself, the change.
We love our friends and family because they changed our lives for the better. They showed us another, better version of reality.
They didn’t simply add to our lives; they changed our lives, changed our perspective, changed what we thought it meant to be alive.
And then, of course, we have the most coveted of all loves: romantic love.
Romantic love is by far the most dangerous of loves, but for this very same reason, it is the most powerful.
It has the ability to change a person to such an extent that afterwards, that person is often not even recognizable to him or herself.
The problem with love is that it doesn’t offer a definition. Sure, we experience it, but most people never come to truly understand it.
The issue starts with the preconceived notions we have of love. We go into it expecting and believing, instead of listening and learning.
The first time I truly fell in love, I fell into the same trap that countless others have fallen into – I fell in love thinking I understood what it meant to be in love, what it meant to love someone with your entire soul. And it was this misguided belief that ruined everything, as it does for countless others.
You can’t learn anything if you approach things believing you already know all there is to know – and love, if anything, is a learning experience.
I went into love believing it would last forever. After the relationship failed, I was convinced it simply wasn’t possible.
What I felt and experienced was most certainly love, and if it was love, then clearly love could not last forever.
Looking back over the span of a decade, I had to rethink my belief. The fact is that you can love someone forever; yet, it won’t be in the manner that you likely thought it would be.
I’m not sure whether it’s our culture that ruins love for so many individuals or whether we simply allow the intense emotions we experience to define love in its entirety.
Regardless, the fact is that because we misunderstand what it means to love, we ruin it.
How is it possible to love someone forever? The answer is an incredibly simple one.
If someone you love changes your life to a great enough extent, if he or she changes the person you have grown to be, if this person adds enough of his or her personal touch to the canvas that is your life, and you love the result, then you have no choice but to love this person.
Of course, sometimes it’s those we hate who change us for the better, and clearly we don’t love them.
But if someone you once loved, someone whom you once thought you’d spend your life with, share your life with, be with until the end, changes your life to such a great extent, then you will love him or her forever.
It doesn’t matter if you want to. It doesn’t matter if that person moved on with his or her life, fell for somebody else, even became a different person; you will – always and forever – love that person.
This doesn’t mean you won’t find someone else to love. It doesn’t mean you can’t move on with your life, get married, start a family and be incredibly happy sharing your life with another person.
But it does mean, I’m sorry to say, you will still never entirely let go. Because you just can’t. He or she has changed you so greatly that letting go isn’t possible without letting go of yourself.
It’s sad but also beautiful. To think that one person could affect another in such a manner is remarkable. It tells us more about life and human nature than anything else ever could.
It may bring a tear to your eye from time to time, but without tears every so often, even smiles lose their meaning.
For More Of His Thoughts And Ramblings, Follow Paul Hudson On Twitter And Facebook.
https://hackspirit.com/what-does-it-feel-like-to-be-in-love-heres-what-neuroscience-says/
What does love feel like? 27 signs you’ve fallen head over heels
Love. It’s the basis of many novels, films, and songs. It can make us crazy, in both good ways and bad.
We grow up with ideas of love from the films we watch, and as enjoyable as romantic movies are, they aren’t always the most realist.
So for many of us, knowing what real love feels like is a complete mystery.
We spend a good portion of our lives searching for love, hearing about love, seeing love around us, and finally wondering whether we are in love when we are in a relationship.
Sometimes we think we’re in love…and then once the relationship ends we doubt whether it was ever even love in the first place. It can be hard to see the difference between infatuation, or lust, and love.
For something which is so ingrained in our lives, it’s also one of the least understood feelings.
There are plenty of scientific explanations for some of the emotions we feel when we’re in love, but not many that can actually explain the truth depth of this feeling.
In this article we’ll look at the different signs that signal what love feels like, and we’ll also explore the difference between love and lust.
What does love feel like? 27 signs to look out for
1. They feel like home
Home can be much more than just a physical place, you can feel it in people too. When you are really in love, that person can make you feel a number of emotions, such as:
- Safe
- Comfortable when around them
- Secure in your relationship
- Content and relaxed
When we think of a happy home, it includes all those feelings, because after all, home is where the heart is.
No matter where you go in the world, home will always be the place you look forward to returning to, and the same goes for someone who you are in love with.
Being in love will make you naturally more attached to that person, so you can often find yourself looking for support and reassurance from them.
2. You feel an intense connection
When in love, you often feel like your life, emotions, and dreams are entwined. You feel like you know and understand that person, and the empathy you feel towards them is far greater than to those who you don’t love.
As described by MBGRelationships:
“An emotional connection is a feeling of alignment and intimacy between two people that goes beyond just physical attraction, having fun together, surface-level conversations, or even intellectual similarities. Instead, it feels like you’re connecting on a deeper soul level—and feel secure connecting that deeply.”
This is one of the reasons why we give second (and third, fourth and fifth) chances to the ones we love.
We feel something deep inside us which can sometimes be so confusing and strong, as it rises above any superficial feelings.
3. Love brings out this instinct in men
Does your man protect you? Not just from physical harm, but does he make sure you’re okay when anything negative arises?
This is a definite sign of love.
There’s actually a fascinating new concept in relationship psychology that’s generating a lot of buzz at the moment. It goes to the heart of the riddle about why men fall in love—and who they fall in love with.
The theory claims that men want to feel like a hero. That they want to step up to the plate for the woman in their lives and protect her.
This is deeply rooted in male biology.
People are calling it the hero instinct. We wrote a detailed primer about the concept which you can read here.
If you can make your guy feel like a hero, it unleashes his protective instincts and the most noble aspect of his masculinity. Most importantly, it will unleash his deepest feelings of attraction towards you.
Because a man wants to see himself as a protector. As someone a woman genuinely wants and needs to have around. Not as an accessory, ‘best friend’, or ‘partner in crime’.
I know this might sound a bit silly. In this day and age, women don’t need someone to rescue them. They don’t need a ‘hero’ in their lives.
And I couldn’t agree more.
But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to be a hero. Because it’s built into our DNA to seek out relationships that allow us to feel like one.
If you would like to learn more about the hero instinct, check out this free online video by the relationship psychologist who coined the term.
Some ideas are game-changers. And for relationships, I think this is one of them.
Here’s a link to the video again.
4. You can’t stand the thought of them being hurt
When you truly love someone, just the very idea of them being hurt, physically or emotionally, makes you feel upset and stressed.
Whilst your happiness shouldn’t depend solely on them, you can’t help but feel your emotions are linked to each other. If they experience hardships, you feel as though it’s happening to you as well.
And, the idea of you hurting them can be especially upsetting. You know you wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt and hurt, so even picturing a situation where you hurt them can feel like you’re in a bad dream.
5. You feel a rollercoaster of emotions
The cliche that you feel euphoria, happiness and overwhelming joy can be true when you’re in love, but in reality you’ll probably experience a mix of emotions.
You might feel vulnerable, scared or confused, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past or have never been in love before.
Love has the ability to make you feel on top of the world, but it can also feel like you’re losing control to something bigger than yourself.
Suddenly, you become aware that if you ever lose that person, your life might change significantly, so it’s natural to feel a roller coaster of feelings and emotions.
6. You miss them
When you’re in love, you just can’t get enough of them. Even after years of being together, their absence leaves you feeling like a part of you is missing.
It’s healthy to spend time apart and have personal time, but when you’re in love, you won’t be able to help looking forward to seeing them again.
Tiffany Henson explains the science behind missing someone for Odyssey:
“If your body is used to producing all of those chemicals, and processing them quickly, can you imagine what happens when you leave the person that causes it? In short, withdrawal happens. Your body stops producing an abundance of serotonin, oxytocin, etc.”
The good news is, there’s nothing you can do about it because it’s all chemical. The bad news is that it can make you feel miserable.
7. You happily prioritize them in your life
Prioritizing someone in your life is a big step to take. There’s a lot of people that we meet in our lives who don’t always deserve to be a priority, so if you start making room for someone in your life, it’s because you have strong feelings for them.
Prioritizing someone can mean things like:
Putting their happiness and welfare above your own
Making time for them even if you’re busy
Making sacrifices to help them when they need it
Always being considerate of their needs and feelings
When we think of the unconditional love a mother has for her children, she will always make them her priority. The same goes for romantic love, because ultimately you want what’s best for that special person.
8. You dream of a future with them
When you like someone, it’s easy and comfortable to make short term plans, but being in love is a whole different ball game.
Even if you don’t want to, you can’t help but daydream of what a future together would look like. Let’s face it, when you’re head over heels in love, you can’t even imagine being with someone else.
Whether it makes you happy and excited, or uncomfortable and nervous, planning a future with someone is a sure sign that you’re in love.
9. You tend to focus on their positives and overlook their flaws
We all have flaws, but being in love can sometimes make us downplay their shortcomings and focus only on their good qualities.
The popular saying ‘love is blind’ may be overused in films and songs, but it definitely has an element of truth to it.
As Aaron Ben-Zeév writes for Psychology Today:
“Lovers do not see clearly, if at all, their beloved’s negative traits and tend to create an idealized image of the beloved. One reason for idealizing the beloved is that we tend to evaluate positively that which we desire. Our inclination toward something often leads to its positive evaluation.”
But that’s not to say we won’t ever notice their flaws. As time goes on, this illusion of perfection can fade away and their flaws become more noticeable.
When you’re in true love though, you will notice and accept these small flaws and continue to focus on the positives.
10. You feel safe and secure around them
In life, we all crave (and need) certain things, like being safe, secure and stable with another person.
When you’re in love, you should feel safe around that person, both emotionally and physically.
You should feel secure enough to speak your mind, be yourself and not feel judged by that person.
John Amodeo ,a writer for PsychCentral, says, “feeling emotionally safe means feeling internally relaxed with a person. We feel free to let down our guard and show our authentic self, including our hurts, fears, and longings.”
11. You feel ‘caught up’ in love
Feeling caught up, or in other words, consumed, is a typical feeling when you’re in love.
Taking into account the previous nine points, it’s an incredibly large amount of feelings, emotions and expectations to go through, and a lot of it is out of your control.
You might find yourself feeling overwhelmed, even obsessed, when all you think about is that person.
This is normal, and as Deborah Khoshaba explains it for Psychology Today:
“Your new love life may consume your energy, focus, and time to the point where everything else going on in your life may feel like a rude intrusion. You can’t stop thinking about your lover.”
This can fade the longer a relationship lasts, but it when you’re in love, that person’s role in your life will continue to be very important to your emotional wellbeing.
So rather than feel stressed by these feelings, it’s best to accept and adapt around them. And remember, it gets easier with time.
12. Love feels unique to every one
As said above, love means different things to different people. Therefore, we also experience it and feel it in unique ways.
Some people say love is about the feeling of excitement and passion when you’re with your partner.
Someone else will say it’s about the unquestioned trust, honesty, and comfort that comes with having a long-term relationship.
13. When we talk about actual feelings, it could be several
There isn’t a singular emotion of love.
For example, some people will describe love as intense and passionate, yet others describe it as peaceful and comfortable.
In other words, love can feel like several different emotions, even at once.
14. It usually begins as an intense feeling of joy
When you initially fall in love, most people are very happy and passionate.
Why?
Because according to neuroscientist Loretta G. Breuning:
“Love stimulates all of your happy chemicals at once. That’s why it feels so good.”
Yep, in the brain, love is a cocktail of feel-good chemicals: dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, endorphin.
At least that occurs initially.
“But our brain evolved to motivate reproduction, not to make you feel good all the time. That’s why the good feeling doesn’t last.”
So to understand how love feels, let’s go through each chemical in the brain it stimulates and how it will make you feel:
15. Dopamine is released in the brain
Dopamine is a brain chemical that it released to alert us that our needs are about to be met.
When a baby hears his/her Mother’s footsteps, dopamine is released through the brain.
When you finally kiss that girl or guy you’ve been chasing, dopamine is activated.
When you believe you’ve finally found “the one” dopamine is activated in droves.
Dopamine is basically responsible for the head-over-heels, elated part of love.
According to University Health News, dopamine is associated with feelings of euphoria, bliss, motivation, and concentration.
So if you’ve found your love, you might feel extremely happy and blessed to be with them. You’ll also be motivated to keep the bond alive.
Also, it’s important to note that phenylethylamine or PEA is a chemical in the brain that causes the release of dopamine.
This chemical is also released when you begin falling in love in the early stages. It is a stimulant and can give you a pounding heart and sweaty palms.
Also, these chemicals (dopamine and PEA) can make you feel great in the early stages of love, but according to Thought Co, they can also make you feel anxious and obsessive.
In Short:
Dopamine is responsible for the initial elated part of love and can make you feel euphoria and bliss when you’re with your lover, a pounding heart, sweaty palms, and even obsessiveness and anxiety.
16. Oxytocin is released in the brain
This is a brain chemical that is stimulated by touch and trust, according to Psychology Today. This chemical can erupt from holding hands, hugging and being comforted to orgasm.
When you’re in a loving relationship, oxytocin builds up a circuit, so it’s easily triggered.
For example, an elderly couple will experience a flood of oxytocin when they hold hands.
For a lot of people, love is about trust and comfort, so oxytocin is certainly a big factor in producing those feel-good feelings.
Funny enough, oxytocin is also called “the cuddle hormone”. This chemical is also released in droves when a Mother is in labor and breastfeeding.
What does oxytocin feel like?
Perhaps the best feeling to describe this brain chemical, according to Science Daily, is feeling warm and fuzzy.
Feeling warm, fuzzy and comforted is also a common way people describe being in love.
In Short:
Oxytocin is released mostly through touch and gives us the warm, fuzzy feeling of comfort and trust that likely exists throughout the whole duration of a relationship.
17. Serotonin is released in the brain
In a relationship, serotonin is supposedly released by the pride of associating with a person of a certain stature.
It may seem a little “fake,” but throughout the animal kingdom higher status social groups have more reproductive success.
Your brain rewards you with the feel-good chemical serotonin when you seek status.
However, keep in mind that human beings are complex animals and status can be seen in many different ways.
It could be money, success, kindness, authenticity, social skill, physical fitness, or a whole host of reasons.
And while you may not want to believe it, the fact of the matter is this:
When you receive affection from an individual that is considered “desirable” serotonin will be triggered in the brain.
And when your partner receives admiration from others, that will trigger serotonin, too.
Relying on serotonin release can also trigger dependence on another person, as well.
How does serotonin feel? Great!
In fact, a lot of antidepressants these days work on increasing serotonin in the brain.
Having high levels of serotonin are associated with feeling positive, happy, confident and flexible.
Low levels of serotonin can have you feeling negative, worried or irritable.
Being involved in a happy and stable relationship where you desire being with your partner will contribute to your serotonin level throughout your relationship.
However, keep in mind that serotonin levels are influenced by many different things that do not include your relationship.
In Short:
Serotonin is released when we’re happy, stable and positive about our relationship, and gives us that stable and solid-state. Serotonin may also be responsible for obsessiveness and anxiety in a relationship.
18. Endorphins is released in the brain
We all know endorphins give you a high. But did you also know that it is stimulated from physical pain?
Endorphins play a key role in long-term relationships. They are released during physical contact and sex.
Interestingly, according to Bustle, endorphins become more prominent around 18 months to 4 years into a relationship.
Why?
Because this is the stage where the brain stops relying on love stimulants like dopamine, and instead rely on chemicals oxytocin and endorphins for relationship pleasure.
According to Mind Health, the brain chemical oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins are crucial to help two people stay connected.
Why?
Because endorphins, oxytocin, and serotonin are associated with feelings of attachment and comfort.
In Short:
Endorphins calm anxiety, relieve pain and reduce stress. This is why you may feel calmed and comforted by the presence of your partner.
To find out if you’re in love, check out these signs that you may be experiencing:
19. You can’t keep your eyes off them
Whether there’s a handful of people or hundreds of people, it doesn’t matter, you can’t keep your eyes off of your love.
You have eyes only for them and you want to see more of them. You don’t just see the beauty on the outside, you see what makes them beautiful inside too.
According to Jack Schafer Ph.D. in Psychology Today, people look at people they like and avoid people they don’t like.
He says that elevated oxytocin levels increase mutual eye gaze and provide a sense of wellbeing and increased mutual attraction.
RELATED: The strangest thing men desire (And how it can make him crazy for you)1
20. You feel like you are floating
If you are in love, you’ll go through life feeling like your feet never touch the ground.
Some say you’ll feel like you are high or in a dream – whatever you call it, you’ll feel it as you move through your day. It will feel amazing.
A study from the Kindsey Institute discovered that the brain of a person falling in love looks the same as the brain of a person who has taken cocaine. This is thanks to dopamine.
21. It hurts when you fight
If your partner hurts your feelings, it will cut like a knife.
Everything they say impacts you. If you’ve been hurt, you’ll feel like that disappointment will never end. That’s love. You just want everything to be good all the time.
According to Live Science, “people in love regularly exhibit signs of emotional dependency on their relationship, including possessiveness, jealousy, fear of rejection, and separation anxiety.
22. You can’t focus
Love can make you feel off your game and it can be hard to focus on the things you need to do.
Whether you are at work or you are on the beach, if you are in love, you’ll have a hard time listening to others, getting things done, and following a regular schedule.
You’ll be counting the minutes until you are together again.
23. You’re always thinking about them
Love not only blinds you to the rest of the world, it also fills your brain with lots of amazing thoughts and keeps you from getting to the thing that need to be done. You are always thinking about your love.
In the book “The Anatomy of Love,” by biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, she says that “thoughts of the ‘love object’ begin to invade your mind. …You wonder what your beloved would think of the book you are reading, the movie you just saw, or the problem you are facing at the office.”
24. You want nothing but the best for them
Love is a funny thing.
If you love someone, you want amazing things for them. If you need a surefire way to tell if you are in love, ask yourself if you’d be happy for them if they decided to be with someone else.
Sure, you’d be sad to lose them but when you love someone, you know you need to let them go if they aren’t happy with you.
In fact, research has suggested that “compassionate love” can be one of the biggest signs of a healthy relationship. Compassionate love refers to love that “centers on the good of the other”.
RELATED: The Hero Instinct: How Can You Trigger It In Your Man?
25. You are willing to try new things
Love makes you do all kinds of crazy things, but it also makes you more open to the things you were keeping at bay before.
You might find yourself skydiving or trying new food. There’s no rhyme or reason to your decision-making when you are in love.
In fact, a study suggested that people who claimed that they were in love had varied interests and personality traits after those relationships. This is because they were open to trying new things with their partner.
26. You feel on edge
When your brain is filled with a distraction from love you can feel on edge because you can’t concentrate.
This will not only be difficult to manage the day-to-day of your life, but you might find yourself getting really frustrated with your lack of focus. That’s what love does to you.
Yep, falling in love can cause you to get the jitters! While it’s certainly true that love can make you feel great in the early stages of love, but according to Thought Co, they can also make you feel anxious and obsessive.
27. You feel connected to them.
Love means you can sit in silence and not have to fill up every minute of the day with conversation or activity. When you are in love, you appreciate one another’s company and don’t need more than just to be together.
According to Live Science, when you’re in love, you begin to think your beloved is unique. This belief is also coupled with an inability to feel a romantic passion for anyone else.
If Your Love Isn’t Mutual? Here’s What To Do…
Nothing sucks more than unrequited love. It feels like all of your energy and potential have been snuffed out. It’s tempting to wallow in your sorrow and give up on them.
However, you should fight this instinct and instead remind yourself that your love is born from a pure and special place. And if the person is worth fighting for… then fight for them.
Especially for women, if he doesn’t feel the same way or is acting lukewarm towards you, then you must get inside his head and understand why.
Because if you love them, it’s up to you to dig a bit deeper and figure out why he’s hesitant to return serve.
In my experience, the missing link in any relationship is never sex, communication or a lack of romantic dates. All these things are important, but they are rarely deal breakers when it comes to the success of a relationship.
The missing link is this:
You actually have to understand what your guy needs from a relationship.
Men need this one thing
James Bauer is one of the world’s leading relationship experts.
In his new video, he reveals a new concept which brilliantly explains what really drives men in relationships. He calls it the hero instinct. I talked about this concept above.
Simply put, men want to be your hero. Not necessarily an action hero like Thor, but he does want to step up to the plate for the woman in his life and be appreciated for his efforts.
The hero instinct is probably the best kept secret in relationship psychology. And I think it holds the key to a man’s love and devotion for life.
My friend and Hack Spirit writer Pearl Nash was the person who first introduced the hero instinct to me. Since then I’ve written extensively about the concept on Hack Spirit.
For many women, learning about the hero instinct was their “aha moment”. It was for Pearl Nash. You can read her personal story here about how triggering the hero instinct helped her turn around a lifetime of relationship failure.
Here’s a link to James Bauer’s free video again.
So, what is love?
According to ancient Greeks, love is “the madness of the gods.”
Western psychologists define it as an “emotional union” with another person.
But to be honest, ask anyone and they’ll probably give you a different definition of what love means.
So what is love?
Well, for this we can turn to Biological Anthropologist Helen Fisher. She says there are three basic brain systems that evolved for relationships and reproduction:
1) Sex drive: Sexual desire evolved to seek mating partners. Sexual attraction doesn’t necessarily have to be focused on one individual. It can be focused on many individuals at the same time.
2) Romantic attraction: This is a romantic attraction focused on one person. You could say it’s “deeper” than sex drive. This type of thinking has evolved to enable you to focus on one individual to build a relationship with them.
3) Attachment, or creating a deep connection with one partner: This feeling of deep union evolved so that you can be with someone long enough to raise a single child through infancy together.
According to Fisher, these three brain systems work together to create many different forms of love.
Interestingly, Fisher’s studies suggest that “attraction love” tends to last from 6 months to 2 years before it turns into “attachment love”.
But if you’re looking for a more simple definition of love, you can’t go past Google’s definition:
“An intense feeling of deep affection.”
Simple, but sounds about right.
In Conclusion
Love is a complex emotion that triggers different chemicals in the brain at different stages in the relationship.
Dopamine is associated with the beginning of the relationship, where the relationship is passionate, fun and in its early stages.
From there, the brain chemical oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins are crucial to helping two people stay connected as they are associated with feelings of attachment and comfort.
You may also like reading:
New video: He reveals the truth about chasing emotionally unavailable men (hint: don’t do it!)
Written by Lachlan Brown
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